O...... M...... G......
I think I have absolute proof that tabby can actually teleport. I wasn't sure before, even when I witnessed it with my own eyes. I have of course been known for being able to hallucinate with, and sometimes without, the aid of various chemical substances, but this new proof of teleportation really takes the cake. First though, let me elucidate on the eye witness event.
I haven't mentioned it to anyone yet because I figured I didn't actually see it. It looked so odd, so impossible that I immediately wrote it off as a brain fart. I saw tabby walk under an ottoman; not strange of itself, but here's the thing, as the back end half of her was still disappearing under the one side of the ottoman, the front end half was coming out the frontside. This is plainly impossible since the ottoman is about one and a half times as wide as tabby is long. Not only that, but as soon as one bit of the cat disappeared under the ottoman, it would instantly start to appear coming out from under the other side; i.e. on the near side of the ottoman you could see tabby's torso, hind legs, and tail, and simultaneously on the far side you could see her head and front legs, as though relativity was playing tricks and the space under the ottoman had simply ceased to exist. This was clearly impossible and did not happen since immediately after witnessing it, I checked under the ottoman to see if anything funky with the laws of physics had happened, but no, all of the space that had ever been under there... was still there. This of course left but one logical explanation, I was living with a teleporting cat. But I already knew that. There was no need to scare myself and my friends with a detailed account of what was likely no more than a technicolor brain fart.
However, something happened today that has made me certain that the ottoman incident was no mere hallucination, but was in fact... the real deal. This occurrence is truly a locked door mystery.
Tabby let herself into the attic today, a room for which there is only one door. No one else could have possibly let her in, I was the only person to go in there today, and I had an assistant to stand guard at the door while I moved a few things into storage. The attic is "off limits" for the cats and therefore is a place of infinite mystery and desire, and they will capitalize on even the slightest moment of neglect on my part as I enter or exit the room, such that I must create a gap between the door and the jamb no wider that something I can still squeeze through, fill it with wiggling hips, flailing legs, stomping feet, shouted curses and insults, as well as various unintelligible sounds of consternation, I must do this or my dear feline companions will immediately disappear into the dark and inaccessible recesses, refusing to come out until the have determined it to be five minutes past supper time and therefore to have a reason to meow indignantly despite having had the run of the place all day, making quite a fool of me. Hence the need for my assistant.
Okay. So you can now see that there are two witnesses who can testify that tabby did not go into the attic during the only time that she could have, that is, while the door was open. Yet, on the wrong side of the attic door is exactly where I found her later on this day, ipso facto she must have entered it while she could not have. So here there is indeed a sort of proof since no one else entered the attic in between, around, or during any intervening moments. And, even though the absence of having witnessed an event may not be accepted as proof of guilt in a court of law, such a thing can still be considered scientifically, as evidence in a series of events, when it is precisely during a time that it wasn't witnessed that the single event, in question, occurred.
Call me crazy, but I know what I didn't see.
And, now I am certain. I live with a teleporting cat.
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